Relationship Manifesto

Relationships

Now we're "serious."

Now we're "together."

Now we're "involved."

Now we're "exclusive."

In other words. . .

Please do this for me.

Come meet my parents. Get involved with my family.

Why were you looking at him?

You talk about your guy friend a little too much.

You should be making time for me.

How come you don't pay?

You're supposed to be on my side.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

If you cared more about me. . .

You need to take my feelings into consideration.

You know what? Fuck you, and fuck your feelings.

Step right up! Rather than a written contract, sign your life away with a verbal agreement! "She's mine." "I'm his." Surrender your independence and freedom of social interactions! Resist looking over at that fashionable, well-groomed 27-year-old or succumb to the car lecture on the way home. Don't compliment his illuminating eyes reflecting the sunlight or surrender to the childish silent treatment. Don't engage in simple conversation which coffee concoction to buy or submit to being ghosted for the next week.

You know what I want "babe"? I want a guy who isn't looking for a relationship. I want a guy who isn't dating to find his fucking "soulmate." I want a guy whose end goal isn't marriage. I want a guy who isn't looking to start a family. I want a guy who wants to hang out for our enjoyment. I want a guy who doesn't feel the need to show off and tell tell world he's kissing me. I want a guy who doesn't pressure me to "open up." I want a guy who doesn't have a problem with my male friends. I want a guy who will not get personally offended when I complement some dude's hairstyle. I want a guy who will point out another chick and say, "Hey, check out her cool outfit."

Oh honey, how do I put this lightly? I don't want to meet your fucking family. I don't want to tell you all the personal bullshit that goes on in my life. I don't want you to tell me yours either. I don't want to call you "baby," "boo," "sweetie" or "my love." I don't want to worry about you. I don't want to ask you, "Have you eaten today?" I don't want to hear your complaints about how I don't ask how your fucking day went. I don't want to hear your whining.

So, with all due respect. . .

Take your relationship and shove it.